i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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