hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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