I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
