I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
