Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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