I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My ass is underappreciated
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
