Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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