I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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