I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
