Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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