I cockslap morals
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
