Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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