I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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