I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
