dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize