Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
