The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
