The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Text me some of your sweat
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