my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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