Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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