dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize