I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
