i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
