I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
