Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
