Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
