i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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