my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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