i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
