I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
