Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
