god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
