i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
