I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
