just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
