Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just gargled with NyQuil
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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