I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Randomize
