was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
