I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
