Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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