Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
