When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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