I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
