haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
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