She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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