No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
