I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
