Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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