I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
