I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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