can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
