there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize