your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
the liver wants what the liver wants
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
he just fucked me for my cheese..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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