I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
