I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
