I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
