Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
