I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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