We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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