i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
